"Janet and Jim Watkins To Jeoff, Tim, Chris, and Jennifer, you have our deepest sympathy. We first met you and your parents in Marion, Indiana in 1964 where we were neighbors, friends, and fellow graduates of University of Michigan. Though we moved to Grand Rapids in 1968 we kept in touch, especially through Christmas cards and letters. They were always supportive and proud of whatever you chose to do. We are fortunate to have known them and had them in our lives. "
In loving memory of
TOM and BRENDA RAY
May 24, 1934 - February 7, 2018
Brenda and Tom Ray were married for 59 years and died within three days of each other this past month, surrounded by loving family members. They died in their beloved home that they built 25 years ago in the woods off of 550 overlooking stunning views of Lake Superior and Partridge Island.
Brenda died on Saturday, February 3, 2018, aged 81, and Tom on Tuesday, aged 83. For the past ten years they both lived with long-term illnesses while still doing what they loved best: visiting with their children, grandchildren, and many friends, watching MSNBC news, and sitting in front of their floor-to-ceiling living room windows, soaking in the constant interplay of waves, trees, clouds, birds, and light.
Brenda and Tom moved to Marquette in 1982 when Tom became the Episcopal bishop of Northern Michigan, a position he held for 17 years until his retirement. Brenda helped found the Marquette chapter of Habitat for Humanity; she was a member of two book clubs in town for 25 years, and active in the Episcopal Church. She spent many years designing their home and supervising its construction and was an accomplished gardener. Toms career was marked by early leadership for womens and gay rights in the Episcopal church of Saint Lukes of Evanston, Illinois, and as bishop of Northern Michigan he continued that leadership at the national level. He and many others who joined him, including his long-time colleague and successor Bishop Jim Kelsey, put the Diocese of Northern Michigan on the map as one of the founding sites of a new movement within the church called Mutual Ministry. Members of many Protestant churches in the U.S and internationally travelled to the UP to learn about changes that, as Tom describes, pushed back against the hierarchical infantilizing of adult Christians who are considered second class citizens if they were not ordained.
Brenda Ackerman was born and raised in Oak Park, Illinois and went on to get a degree in sociology from the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor. She later earned her teaching degree and taught in the Evanston, Illinois public school district. At U of M she met fellow graduate Tom Ray who had grown up in the small conservative town of Manistee, Michigan. After he graduated from General Seminary in Manhattan, they were married in Grand Rapids in 1959 and took their honeymoon in the Upper Peninsula, thus beginning what would be their 60 year love affair intertwined with a 60 year love of the UP Soon they had four children and were living in Marion, Indiana where Tom was minister of Gethsemane Episcopal Church for ten years. The family began to take a month vacation every summer to camp, fish for trout, and pick blueberries in the UP which tied the four children to the region as well.
Tom and Brenda raised four children. Jennifer Ray, married to Tom Vear, are co-owners of Donckers and the Delft Bistro, and they have raised three children in Marquette, Wesley, Kinsey, and Logan. Christopher Ray and his partner of 17 years Kate Lewandowski, own and operate a Thai massage and healing arts practice in Marquette that takes them travelling around the world for teaching engagements. Tim Ray is a real estate developer in Portland, Oregon where he has children Samuel, Jacob, and Jesse, and two with his partner Chali Hamda, Jalene and Yusef. Geoff Ramsey-Ray, with his wife Kikanza Ramsey-Ray, own and operate a Waldorf early childhood school in Altadena, California where they have raised three children, Malcolm, Simone, and Aquila. Brenda is survived by three siblings, Lynn Jespersen of Boulder, Colorado, Michele Hoyt of Missoula, Montana, and Eric Ackerman of Longmont, Colorado.
A Celebration of Life will be held for Brenda and Tom Ray from 11AM to 2 PM on Saturday, February 24 at Saint Pauls Episcopal Church on Ridge St. in Marquette, followed by a 2 PM memorial service at the church. The service will be presided by Northern Michigan Episcopal Bishop Rayford Ray (no relation), and the Reverend Lydia Kelsey Bucklin. All are welcome.
Flowers may be sent directly to Saint Pauls, though for those so moved we encourage donations in lieu of flowers to be sent to BlackLivesMatter.com and UP Home Health & Hospice whose folks brought remarkable sensitivity and care to Tom and Brenda during their final months.
The Canale-Tonella Funeral Home is assisting the Ray family where memories may be shared at canalefuneral.com
Tributes
"I give thanks for the lives of Tom and Brenda whose lives were so well lived. They were both courageous pioneers whose risk taking brought many benefits to so many. May angels sing on their entry into glory."
"With their bright laughter, sharp minds and wise compassion, Brenda and Tom blessed all those lucky enough to be in their orbit. They will be greatly missed and beloved always. I know they are soaring still - together. Deborah Kass"
"I remember the first time really able to see the true Spirit of Bishop Ray and Brenda growing up being a teenager and youth group in church knowing that the Bishop was coming made you nervous as they were higher authority adult I remember sitting at convention our youth group was chosen to help there and we have some down time and we found a small little Nook back behind the restaurant/ bar and have comfy couches and it was kind of hidden had a jukebox that we could play music on and a group of us kids were sitting back there and we are playing and having a good time dancing around and eating and in walks Bishop Ray and Brenda and everybody didn't know what to do with that kind of froze they kind of looked at us and said hello and want to know what we were doing and we just kind of sat there in silence and waited thinking we were going to be in trouble for messing around or something I remember he smiled a little bit and he walk to the Jukebox and he put in quarters and he put on some music and he turned around and told us to watch how it was done. They dance around the floor and we giggled and laughed and played it for what seemed like hours just hanging out. we got to see him playing and fun times during church camp, happening, church, youth group, but that moment stuck in my head the most. We were able to spend many days hanging out at their house they always accepted all of us with a smile and welcome to their home we went many many times to sit out on the big rocks for prayer and service before happening and youth groups and tours of the house they created together and the many things in the beautiful landscaping in the yard and you felt like you were somewhere else miles away from everything I miss every moment that I shared there and I will truly miss the kind hearts and the spirits and the smiles of Tom and Brenda my heart goes out to their family sending lots of hugs and warm and fuzzies at this time they will never be forgotten"
"Jennifer and family, So sorry to learn of your double loss. I, too, lost both of my parents within a short time (when they were in their late 60s) and know how devastating it is. I hope your many memories and the knowledge that they lived long, productive lives brings you some comfort as you move forward without them. Sending our sympathy and love. Lynn Moon & Don Snowdon"
"Brenda Ackerman Ray was my first cousin who at the age of four along with her sister Lynn served as flower girls at my parents wedding. I look at the picture of the wedding picture with fond affection. Although our lives did not intertwine very often: family is still family. Mary Beth Kuntz Shoff."
"Tom was a dear friend ever since he arrived at St. Lukes in Evanston many years ago. In spite of our religious and political differences, we continued to be friends, laugh with each other, drink martinis together, and in later years, email each other. He was an outstanding support to my wife Barbara and me through some of the valleys in our lives. I am very pleased that we were able to talk and joke a bit when he called 11 days ago to say Good-by. All of us who knew and appreciated Tom and Brenda will miss them greatly."
"What a remarkable couple. They never stopped challenging the status quo and believing that this world could be a better place. That we could all be better people. Together, they were a dynamic force, of laughter, sparkling light, and love. I am a better person for having them in my life. And will deeply miss them."
"Tom was one of the most interesting people I have known. His wonderful mind was only surpassed by his heart. The world seems a little diminished by his passing. "